Have you ever heard anyone say, "Oh, that ruined me?" I don't recall ever saying it and I don't recall even understanding it really. Until last year. Then I was ruined. Undone. Noah summed it up pretty well in his definition.
RU'INED, participle passive Demolished; destroyed; subverted; reduced to poverty; undone. -Noah Webster
At first it was the ruining of what I could see and touch. It was Him taking a person I loved. It was Him giving me so much on my plate that I couldn't do it, it was Him taking almost everything I loved and held dear and shaking it up. It was the most painful time of my life but now I realize that when God ruins what we can see he also ruins things we can not see.
(My best friend and sister. The kindest, toughest, funniest woman I have ever known. I can't wait to hug her in heaven.)
He ruined my thoughts, my ideals. He ruined what my family looked like, how it functioned. He ruined my marriage, he ruined who I thought I was. 'Ruining' looked like the death of pride I did not know I held. He destroyed the fears hidden deep in my heart, so deep I did not even recognize them as being a part of me. He destroyed the reliance I had on another human being. He destroyed the lies I hid behind that I did not even recognize as lies. He destroyed the self doubt and the self hate, the years of accumulated hurt. He demolished strongholds.
(Chay is hoping the Promised Land has lots of noodles and candy...)
God did not lead the Israelite's out to the Promised Land to no where, he led them to the PROMISED LAND. He doesn't lead us out of slavery to nowhere. He always leads us somewhere. It took a pretty large 'ruining' to get me to the edge of my promised land (see, I am not there yet, I am still eating the manna but now the promised land looks like something, I can see it's outline, I can't make it all out, but I see the skyline!)
So now I am taking one step at a time towards a direction I believe is the outline of the promised land...I can't see it clearly yet.
When your whole ground is shaken under you, there is no normal to go back to. You have to wonder and chase, and believe and pursue. I write all of this not to complain, but to encourage. I write it with a smile in my heart because there is excitement on the way to where God is waiting for me. There is excitement knowing He is calling. He is taking me to a new 'normal.' I am walking toward it a different person than I was a year ago. I walk more quietly, a lot more humbly, a little less 'happy', still joyful, still full of hope and a little excited. I walk broken. I want you to hear that. My whole life I have waited until I was 'good enough' until things were in order, until I was a good enough Christian....those are lies. Those are HUGE lies. GOD USES THE BROKEN. If you are in the middle of being ruined, if you are grieving the loss of someone you love or something you loved or the death of a dream....look up. Look for the skyline, now....step.
(Some of my hope and joy!)
Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who's all I need
If you don't have the hope that comes with Christ in the midst of the ruining, leave me a note. I would love to share with you. He is faithful. I promise.
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